Daffodils and the New York Botanical Garden

I wrote a post earlier this year about the anniversary of my father’s passing  this year. This year is a signifant one, 20 years. I thought about doing someone special to mark the occasion when I received an email from the New York Botantical Garden about 1 Million daffodil project. My wheels started spinning… I will make a donation in his memory.. With days before the deadline to be included in the first planning round I finally got my act together to muster up the courage to call to make the donation. I kept it a secret from my mother , brother and uncles (my fathers brothers in Germany). I made the call and asked for 4 cards so I could personalize them for each brother and my mother and brother.  I gave the card to my mother and brother.. Both thought it was a fantastic idea. When I made the donation, the nice woman from the NYBG told me that for the amount of my donation, I would be invited to the planting ceremony. I was surprised to recieve an invitation. I made a donation of $100.00 USD, which equated to 20 bulbs, yes I did that on purpose. I forgot to mention that I explained my story to the NYBG worker and she thought it was such a a beautiful gesture. 

This past Friday I attended the planting ceremony at the NYBG. I saw mostly what I thought were wealthy donors..Many knew each other and clearly had some connection to the garden. I was surprised to see a local school as well. There were maybe 20-25 children, planting with such excitement it was beautiful to watch their eyes light up digging the holes and dropping the bulbs in. Soon after arriving someone from the garden staff came and explained the process and plan for the site. I did learn a little bit about planting daffodil bulbs. The. The ceremony started.. The whole time I thought about how beautiful this will be in the spring time and how my father would have loved to see it too.  Daffodils were not his favorite but they do multiply year after year. Some of the daffodils there actually have been around since the 1920s and 1930s. Therefore I thought this donation would be perfect as my mother, brother and I  can enjoy this for years to come. In additional when the grandchildren of my  father arrive they too can have a special connection to the NYBG.  

Below  are some photo from the event. I promise I will followup I the spring  with some shots for the flowers in bloom!

   

   

     

 

20 years later….It’s still not easy…

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I often wonder what it would be like to talk to my father now… 20 years later… What would I tell him… What would he tell me… Would he be proud of who I have become? Would he know about all the things I have done? Losing him at 15 was the worst and best thing in my life… Yes worst and best…

When I remember back today 20 years ago. I was here in the same room I am right now writing this blog. My father was on a hospital bed that was brought into the house especially for him. We chose to have him live out his remaining months at home. We wanted him close. On that morning I was told to come downstairs as a family friend said he will probably leave us sometime today. She and her daughter slept over the night before. My brother was at camp away from the house. I slept in the room next to his. I could hear the breathing machine all night long. I cried so many nights. I prayed so many nights just keep him alive a little longer a little longer. God answered and kept him alive a little longer. I should have been more honest and said till I’m 50 instead. Who says God does not answer our prayers. I guess just not in the way we would like him to. When he passed my world fell apart. I didn’t understand why him, why now, why us? Did we do something wrong? Was I a bad child? To be honest I can’t remember much about the wake or the funeral. Those memories are really a blur. I know I read something at church during the funeral but have no idea what. The summer continued and I started school. I continued and graduated 4 years later. I moved on to college away from home, went to Murnau, Frieburg, and Vienna for study abroad. I came home graduated from College and started working in the bank where my father worked. I had worked in the winter time in his old department, so I just continued after college. I got a job and then another, then moved to Spain in 2006. Then got married and moved back to the US in 2011.

The worst was the mourning, the grieving, the crying, the weeping, the sobbing, the funeral, the wake, the thought I would never speak to him again.  The funny thing is the best part happened 5 years after his passing. In 2000 I went to Murnau for my study aboard program, and while studying in Germany many of you know I met my husband Angel. I like to think my father played a role in that. You see I met Angel on July 6 in 2000, it was the first day of the July session. Our official anniversary of being a couple is July 8th, 2000. It’s funny how I thought I would never love, never get married, never have children and many other nevers. My husband didn’t know my father but I am sure he would approve. I find the two are very much alike and that’s a good and bad thing. I have been trying lately to find the good in each day, something positive. Today is a hard day to do that when I have this heavy memory of 20 years but I have to remember that this day is also filled with great joy. I met the man I love and married.

I cried a lot today… more than other years on the anniversary of his passing. I don’t know why 20 is more difficult than 5,10 or 15 years. I guess I am at a different stage in my life. Crying helps, talking with friends helps, remembering the good times helps…

20 years later it does not get easier but I have more friends, family to help me get through…

Herlizchen Dank fuer alles Daddy….

Shi………shin splints……

Hi all.. I am sorry that I have not written last weekend’s update till now. I am actually sitting in a Ski Station.. Belleayre to be exact on my lunch break writing my post. 

The second weekend I was all excited.. I was working according to the plan running at least 3 times in the week. Cross training as well. Trying to get my 11,000 steps in everyday too.. Then Saturday came and I thought great I am so ready! Then I started running.. I was okay till the shin splints started.. they made me go slower and slower and it was even painful while walking.. The program diretor was explaining the various reasons why people get shin splints and what helps to prevent them.. I have new shoes, orthothics, compression socks, and such. So I can’t blame it on the fact I don’t have the right equipment.. It’s just my legs…shins.. whatever bodypart you want to call it… 

I tried this week running after the painful Saturday run.. I was successful in that I was abl to complete two full 1.5 miles on the treadmill. The third day was only 1 mile. I just could not give any more and didn’t want to suffer any more pain in the shins. I came home really fustratetd and annoyed that I am still suffering.. I know it takes time and I need to be positive.. its just hard when it’s so pain ful. I tired dseeing my doc but she has no appiointents till April 23rd! That’s a month away……

This weekend I will not be running.. cross training at Belleayre Mountain instead… Let’s see what happens during the week.. hopefully less painfull shin splints….

First every Mile run as an adult…. 

This past Saturday I went on my first every adult group run….Wow sums up my day to be honest.. It was 6:30am and my fablous hubby is trying his best to get me out of the bed…. I woke up thinking what on earth did I get myself into? Seriously it’s 6:30am on a Saturday. I had a really stressful week why am I choosing to get up this early….So i reluctantly got dressed thought about what would happen. Would I make it? Would I just pass out at some point? Would I not be able to make it due to my weight my shin splints… You can tell I am a woman right?? We tend to never stop worrying… I like to think of it more as thinking about possibilities. Hahaha.. Anyways I get to the store about a 25 mins ride by car.. I sit in the lot because for one I am early… Then I finally get out because I see many other folks getting out too. I purchase a In Case of Emergency ID Tag and put it one my shoe…. The owner and group leader gives us a talk about the program and what is expected throughout today and going forward. I am still a little nervous.. Then we go out.. It’ cold! 12+ but then again I have gone out Skiing in -12 so 12+ should be like a heatwave… Just the same I’m still cold. We walk up a large hill and I think please don’t ever let us run up this thing! I talk talking with an alumni of the program about Hot Hot weather as she prefers it to winter… I proceed to tell her I am a skiier and therefore love winter except my nose is frozen at the moment! WE get to the stop and they say okay ready we are going to run.. We run for about 1 min.. I finish and think wow that was not bad… We proceed to continue but at intervals of running and walking I am at the back of the group but there are folks with me so I don’t feel horriffically slow but a part of me was sad I was at the end.  We were out for a total for 20 mins I think. Throughout the run I suffered from Shin Splints… I did not quit though.. I just made my space slower that’s all… We came back to the store and were congratulated by the leader which was nice… Then went home… My training homwork is this Sunday to rest then run at least 2 times this week… I am confident that I can do this.. I just don’t know when I am going to run.. It’s  probably going to be at night in the dark and I am going to drag my hubby with me! hahaha…He did say to me on your not going to Hoboken on Monday so you can go to the gym tomorrow morning… I looked a tthe alendar and there is a class at 5:30am. It’s Bootcamp… Hmmm not sure if that’s the right option… So let the journey begin……



Starting fresh for Spring

I finally have made what I think is a great comittment….. To run a 5K. Yes you read correctly a 5K 3.3 mile run… This for some might be a oxymorn well those who know me at least.. I moved to Spain back in 2006 and had to buy all new shoes becuase the concept of walking was so foreign to me…Well now it’s 9 years later (WOW! I can’t believe it’s been that long since moved there) and I have a FItbit and I acually like to walk. I would never in a million years thinl that I would be saying that I like to walk and want to even run a 5K.  However running is not so foreign if I am acutally really honest! Some might know this but the majority dont know in Highschool many moons ago. I ran the 200 meter and the 100 meter races. I had waffles (running shoes) and was on the local Middle School Team.. I did not continue in High School for various reasons. However I did run.. I did have my share of pain too.. I used to litterally take ice cubes and run them up and down my shins after racing at night becasue I was in such pain.. OKay geting back to why I am writing here. I have been told that writing is a form of therapy. It for sure is  a cheap one! Haha.. I guess I want to write about something postitive one as well. A previous boss (She knows who she is) had said to me it’s better to write positive things than negative ones. What I am going to try and promise to you all is to write about this journey that I have decieded to take. I don’t expect it to be an easy one that’s for sure. What my hope is that you read my posts and send word of encouragement and ideas to help me along the way. That’s what friends are for right?? OKay now off to write the first offical post!!!



Stepping back in time…..a trip to Cordoba and Granda, in España……

This year for our annual trip to España I convinced my husband to go to Cordoba and Granada. It was a very nice trip. The only glitch was the weather. It was sunny so that was fine. It was the heat… 95-100 each day. You could feel your skin melting at the moment you stepped out of the hotel.. We knew it would be hot but not that hot!!  I will let the photographs speak for themselves… Please enjoy…..Hopefully more to come…..

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